♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong
going upstairs ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen...
Jim Gaffigan.
[Cheers and applause]
- Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you.
Oh, what if I suck?
That would be awkward.
"He wasn't even good.
"I wanted some of my clapping back."
Oh, he's doing that voice already."
Thank you for being here.
This is exciting, right?
I'm excited!
[Cheers and applause]
It is good to be here.
I, uh, recently
became a father.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
Became a father
for the fourth time.
Never as much applause
on that part.
Really no applause, right?
'Cause after the third kid,
people stop congratulating you.
Then they just treat you
like you're Amish.
"Four? Well, that's one way
to live your life.
"Can you build us
one of those wood fireplaces?
"Four kids.
Four kids."
You wanna know what it's like
to have a fourth?
Just imagine
you're drowning...
And then someone hands you
a baby.
The good news is we live
in a two-bedroom apartment.
So... I thought it through.
I've haven't slept
in seven years.
I didn't always look like this.
I'm actually Puerto Rican.
But the wear and tear
of parent--
I used to have thick
black hair.
I was muy guapo.
No mas.
No more guapo.
My wife had the baby at home.
We had all our babies at home.
Just to make you feel
uncomfortable.
People don't wanna hear
about home birth.
They're like,
"oh, you had your baby at home?
Yeah, we were gonna do that,
but we wanted our baby to live."
People always assume there was
some laziness involved.
"You didn't wanna go
to the hospital?"
"It was far.
I didn't feel like putting
on pants."
We had our baby at home,
not in a field.
"At home? Well,
why wouldn't you have it
"in that germ-infested building
where sick people congregate?
"Didn't your wife wanna
give birth
in a gown someone died in
yesterday?"
It's just the truth.
Home birth is crazy, huh?
It was all my wife's idea.
I don't even like cooking
at home, you know?
And it's wild, you know.
There was so much screaming
at one point,
I actually woke up.
"What, did someone score
a touchdown?
"Oh, you're having
another baby.
"Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to get a tight
12 hours in."
And I was my wife's
birth coach.
Which is a generous title
for standing there terrified.
There was also a midwife there,
'cause we believe in witchcraft.
"A midwife? Now how many wives
does this guy have?
Sounds like Al-Qaeda."
My wife did it.
She had four babies
in our apartment.
She's an amazing woman.
Really,
all women are amazing.
And I mean that
in a very pandering way.
[Cheers and applause]
But women are, really.
You know, a woman can grow
a baby inside their body.
And then somehow,
a woman can deliver the baby
through their body.
And then by some miracle a woman
can feed a baby with their body.
And when you think of
the male contribution to life,
it's kind of embarrassing,
really.
The guy's always like,
"yeah, well, I helped too...
"For, like, five seconds...
"Doing the one thing
I think about 24 hours a day.
"Well, enjoy your morning
sickness.
"I'm gonna eat me some chili.
"Smell those onions.
[Laughing]
You want some?
I guess not."
A baby at home.
Babies are a lot of work.
I try and pitch in.
I do diapers.
I mean, I don't change 'em,
but I go,
"you gotta do this diaper."
No, we have
three other kids too.
A seven-year-old,
a five-year-old,
and a two-year-old.
I should probably learn
their names.
I try and be a good dad.
I sat the older three down
and I explained to them
that the new baby does not mean
I love them any less.
But I will have
to let one of them go.
So if anyone knows
of a toddler rescue--
Maybe we could Sarah Mclachlan
to do the commercial.
♪ I will remember-- ♪
I love that commercial.
Even the dogs
in that commercial are like,
"this is a little heavy-handed,
Sarah.
"We are just dogs
after all.
There's still kids starving
in Africa, right? I mean--"
"I don't like that joke
at all.
"Why would he put that joke
in the special?
Four kids?
Bedtime is a crisis."
That's why I'm here
right now.
It's too hard.
They act like they've never been
to sleep before.
"Bed? What's that?
No, I don't wanna do that."
Then it becomes
some hostage negotiation...
But in reverse.
"Look, if you stay in there,
"I will give you
whatever you want.
"I will meet your demands.
"What do you want,
a helicopter to Cuba?
"Anything!
Just stay in there."
There's always one awake.
Like they're taking shifts.
"All right, I'll annoy 'em
from midnight to 2:00.
"Who wants 3:00 to 6:00?
"Now let's lie down
and practice kicking them
in our sleep."
'Cause my wife has instituted
this open-door policy
where if one of our kids
has a nightmare,
they're welcome to come
in our room and pee in our bed.
Luckily, that only happens
every night.
You ever slept next to someone
that's wet the bed?
Delicious.
You're asleep, right,
so when you wake up,
your first thought is,
"oh, my god, I wet the bed!"
Then your next thought is,
"ah, it's not that wet."
I'll just scoot over
a little bit.
If I pretend to be asleep,
maybe she'll deal with it.
"Oh, I didn't even notice.
"Hey, while you're up,
can you make me a sandwich?
Thanks, honey!"
It is chaos at home!
I feel like I'm living
with a bunch of drunk people.
Everyone's wetting the bed,
screaming.
It's Jersey shore, folks.
It's like Jersey shore
with a lot more sunscreen.
Imagine four
miniature versions of me,
but not as dark-skinned
as me...
That need sunscreen
or they will die.
"Don't open the refrigerator!
You'll kill yourself!"
I'm raising vampires.
I'm not looking forward
to summer at all.
"Oh, we're going to the beach
next week?
"All right, I'm gonna start
putting sunscreen on 'em now.
This'll take a day and half."
Before kids,
I never went outside.
I didn't know what a long-sleeve
sun shirt was.
Any long-sleeve sun--
Let me rephrase this.
Anyone else with low
self-esteem?
♪ Swimming in a pool
in a long-sleeve sun shirt ♪
"Hey, what's up, ladies?"
Everyone looks at you like,
"did that guy fall in?
"That is the worst suicide
attempt I've ever seen.
He's just swimming
in his clothes."
Summer.
Last summer, we did our
first big family vacation.
Well, I should clarify.
We went to Disney.
Now if you haven't been
to Disney as an adult,
just imagine you're standing
in line at the DMV...
And that's it.
Actually,
it was Orlando in July,
so it was kind of like
standing in line
on the surface of the sun.
"Why would we do this
to ourselves?"
Remember when you were a kid
and you'd go on vacation,
you'd be like, "why is dad
always in a bad mood?"
Now I understand.
"How can spend an enormous
amount of money,
"be uncomfortable,
and listen to my children
"complain and whine?
"Disney!
Oh, good."
I did figure out what makes
Disney truly magical, though.
You can walk around, sweating
your ass off, for 12 hours
and still gain weight.
"I know it's 110 out here,
but these fries taste great."
We eat, you know, 'cause we
wanna have a good time.
Really,
that's all a vacation is--
Just us eating in a place
we've never been.
"Well, why don't we eat
something?
"Then we'll go and get
something to eat.
"Then we'll see that thing
we're supposed to see.
"They probably got
a snack bar there, right?
"After that, we should probably
get something to eat, though.
Then we'll eat something."
You eat 'cause, you know,
there's pressure to have fun
on your vacation, right?
But at Disney,
it's like a desperation.
You see it on the faces
of parents.
They're like,
"hahhh.
"This was an enormous mistake.
"I hope you're having fun.
It was either this
or send you to college."
I stood in line
for an hour and 15 minutes
for the dumbo ride.
After a minute,
I was like...
"I'm the dumbo.
I'm waiting to see myself."
At the end of the line,
there's just gonna be a mirror
and some guy going, "dumbo!"
Some of those rides at Disney,
they make you realize how far
we've come with amusement parks.
Like I was on that ride
it's a small world.
I was like,
"wow, there was a time
when people found this
entertaining?"
You could be on acid,
you're like, "I'm not getting
anything here.
"I think I'll go back
to staring at my hand.
"Yeah, that's better.
If only I had two of these."
'Cause a lot of those rides
at Disney,
they were developed
in the '70s.
There was no competition.
They were making up rides.
It was just some guy going,
"all right, how about, uh...
"A bumper car goes
into a dark room
"and there's a picture
of Winnie the pooh?
"People will stand in line
for an hour for that, right?
"Ooh, here,
I got another one.
"What if we hollow out a log
and throw 'em over a waterfall?
We got their money.
What are they gonna do?"
I have to admit, my favorite
ride was the air-conditioned bus
back to the airport.
Ooh, well worth the wait.
"Hey, if you don't like Disney,
well, then why would you go?"
I went because
I love my children, you know?
Now there are adults without
children that go to Disney,
and they're called weirdos.
Very nice people,
absolutely crazy.
Even at comic-con,
people are like,
"yeah, they're
a little frightening.
"I mean, I got
a Batman living room,
but these people are scary."
"But you're a nerd too, Jim."
I took so many pictures
at Disney.
That's all we do, right,
as a society?
It's like, "hey, instead
of enjoying this moment,
let's take pictures."
We take pictures
of everyday life
and act like
we're capturing history.
"Unbelievable!
The cat's asleep.
Post that on my Twitter."
It's because we have the cameras
on our phones.
Do we need that?
It's not like ten years ago
we were like,
"I wish I could take
"a low-quality photo
of my dessert.
"Text it to someone
that's not interested.
But I can't,
so I guess I'll just eat it."
As a result,
we all have so many photos.
All these pictures,
and sure, we all want
our computers to run slow.
But what are we supposed to do
with all these photos?
I mean, I have more pictures
of my children
than my father
ever looked at me.
And I just keep taking them.
Like, "click, click, click."
We all do.
You click, click, click.
Download all of 'em.
We don't even weed
through 'em.
"Ah, I'll just get
another computer.
That'll be my Disney trip
computer."
We used to have boxes of photos
in our closets.
Now it's just old computers.
"Heh, there's our wedding
computer.
"That's my computer
when I was single.
I should probably
destroy that one."
It's sad.
We have all these photos.
Everyone has thousands
of photos,
and besides us,
no one else cares.
'Cause really any photo
you're not in
is not that interesting.
You might act interested,
right?
You're like,
"oh, you went to Mexico.
"How long is this gonna take?
'Cause I can fake it
for, like, a minute."
I don't even like pictures
that I'm in.
You ever see a photo
of yourself
and it kinda ruins your day?
For a second, you don't even
recognize yourself.
You're like,
"who's that fat guy?
"Oh, no!
"Ugh, I should call my wife
and tell her I love her.
I can't believe I'm allowed
to wear that color!"
I'm wearing all black tonight,
'cause, uh, that's easier
than working out, right?
By the way, these aren't
skinny jeans, I'm just fat.
Black.
♪ The magic of black ♪
Wouldn't it be great
if there was something
that made people look
in shape...
Besides alcohol?
But that's what black is.
It's the beer goggles of color.
It's like, "you look great.
Have you lost weight?"
"Uh, I'm homeless
and wearing a garbage bag."
"Well, you look thin."
You know what color
I look really out-of-shape in
is flesh color.
Mm, it is brutal on me.
My birthday suit
needs more suit.
But it's my fault. You know,
I don't like to exercise.
I don't think a lot of us do.
That's why there are
personal trainers.
You know, the person you pay
to make you work out
at the place where you
already pay to work out.
Hmm, doesn't sound like
a pyramid scheme to me at all.
"You can also throw money
right in the garbage...
For a small fee."
I don't have a personal trainer.
"Really? That's a shock.
You do that all yourself?"
One time
I joined a health club
and I got a free
personal trainer session.
The guy's like, "all right,
why don't you tell me
what your workout goals are?"
"Uh, to not work out.
"Goals? I'm just here
so I won't eat for an hour.
Can we drop this charade?
Why is your shirt so tight?"
Is that part
of the interview process?
"What are you, a medium?
Here's an extra small.
Now head out there
and be condescending."
I feel sorry for the personal
trainers that are out of shape.
What's their approach?
"You should work out.
I don't.
"You don't wanna end up
looking like me.
"My favorite machine's
the vending machine.
"Hey, wanna go halfsies
on a snickers?
Those things are awesome."
I probably need
a personal trainer.
You know,
I didn't work out today.
That makes, jeez,
three decades.
Occasionally, I will work out.
And I'm one of those people
whenever I do work out
I immediately
have grand plans.
"I'm gonna work out
ever day."
Then the next day I'm like
"well, not every day.
"I gotta let my muscles
breathe a little.
I'll work out every
other day."
Then the next day I'm like, "eh,
I'm happy with the way I look.
I don't wanna get caught up
in that beauty culture."
It's hard.
It's hard to get motivated.
It's hard to get to the gym.
I actually live across
the street from my health club.
It's across the street.
It's open 24 hours a day.
Still can't get there.
I knew I wasn't gonna go.
Even when I joined.
During that initial tour,
they're like, "here's
where you can do sit-ups."
"Never gonna happen."
"We have free weights."
"Too hard."
"We offer hot yoga."
"I'd watch."
I always tell myself
I'm gonna do that.
Go in there and watch
a hot yoga class.
You know, just...
Bring a bag of potato chips.
Not even in workout clothes.
Dressed as spider-man.
"Excuse me, sir."
"I'm auditing.
"I might take this
next semester
if I'm not too busy
fighting crime."
It's hard to get motivated.
You ever go to the gym
and not work out?
You just kinda wander around.
"Should I do the elliptical or--
I gotta go.
I'm sure I burned some calories
putting this outfit on."
Even when I am working out
at the gym,
I'm really just watching
television.
You know, I'm on the elliptical,
food network.
"I'm gonna eat that.
I'm gon--"
I'm pretending
to hike up a mountain
while I watch someone
make a lasagna.
That's like going
to an AA meeting in a brewery.
"Hi, I'm Jim.
Is that a keg over there?"
It's disc--it's discouraging
when you see how few calories
you've burned, right?
You're like, "50 calories?
"What's that,
like smelling a big Mac?
Well, back to iron chef."
Thank god
for those televisions.
You ever catch yourself watching
someone else's television?
You're like--
You're not even on a piece
of exercise equipment.
"Uh, are you waiting
for this machine?"
"I'm just waiting
for this show to end."
"They're making brownies.
"Can I grab a swig
from your water bottle?
Brownies make me mad thirsty."
It's hard.
I don't understand it,
you know.
Here's something fun to do
next time you have to wait
for a treadmill.
Just start jogging in place
behind someone using one.
"Can I pass?
"To the left!
To the left!
"Everything you own
in a box to the left.
You just don't know
about me."
I don't understand the appeal of
a lot of the exercise equipment.
Like the Stairmaster?
How'd they ever
sell one of those?
"Hey, you know how people love
walking up stairs?"
"I'm pretty sure people hate
walking up stairs."
"Well, hear me out.
These stairs are different.
"They never end.
You never reach
the next floor."
"Well, what's appealing
about that?"
"Eventually, you die.
"Then you don't gotta
walk up stairs no more.
"Hey, can I also interest you
in a bike that goes nowhere?
"Why would you
do this stuff for free
"when you can come in here
and pay me to pretend to do it?
It's so simple."
I always feel like I go
to the gym at the wrong time.
You know,
it's like packed.
The only machine available
is the one that simulates
the gynecological exam.
You know, the Sharon stone
machine, right?
Never see a guy on that,
do you?
Occasional there'll be
a woman on there
refusing to make eye contact
with anyone.
There always like...
[Humming]
'Cause there is no appropriate
facial expression
for this machine.
You can't be like,
"yeah!
Whoo!
That burns."
You also can't act like
it's too easy.
"This is nothing.
"I got the strongest crotch
in the room.
Not even feeling it,
fellas."
Whenever there is a woman
on that machine,
there's always a creepy guy
stretching nearby.
"Hey, what's going on?
"Is today Friday or Saturday?
I been making so much money
I can't keep track."
There should be no talking
to strangers at the gym.
I'm always baffled
when I'm working out
and someone tries
to talk to me.
It's like what's the logic?
"He's sweating,
he's breathing hard,
"he's got headphones on.
Seems like he wants to chat.
What are you listening to?"
"Oh, me? Instructions
on how to kill you."
And some of the noises
people make.
They're like...
[Grunting]
"Uh, do you mind?
I'm trying to watch
dog the bounty hunter here."
"Why are you sweating?
It's air-conditioned in here.
You're the reason we have
to wipe off these machines."
Of course the most annoying
are those people
in exceptionally good shape
at the gym.
I'm always like
what are you doing here?
You're done.
What are you, rubbing it in?
Luckily, there's always
one or two people at the gym
you look at and you're like,
"don't bother.
You're wasting your time."
Then you realize it's just
your reflection in the mirror.
Sad.
I don't get the mirrors,
you know?
I don't wanna see myself
working out.
I know what I look like.
That's why I'm going to the gym.
Obviously there's some people
that do want that, right?
They're like,
"if I'm gonna be working out,
"I wanna look at something...
"Like myself.
"I wanna look at myself
while I work on myself.
"I should do a recording
so I can listen to myself
"while I look at myself
while I work on myself
"as I leaf through myself
magazine...
"Read how myself
can improve myself.
"Maybe I'll go
to my Facebook page
"and look at photos
of myself,
"read what myself has written
about myself.
Yo soy muy importante."
♪ Myself ♪
Mirrors--some health clubs,
they have the exercise
equipment facing windows.
So in cities
like New York and D.C.,
you can be jogging
on a treadmill
as you gaze into the eyes
of a homeless man.
"I'm coming."
"He does
a good homeless man."
You ever see a bodybuilder
at the gym?
That's exciting, right?
I always get nervous.
I'm like, "[Stammering]
Do you live here?
"Are you lifting the weights
or eating them?
How'd you get like that?"
And when I say bodybuilder,
I'm not talking about somebody
who's muscular.
I'm talking about the guys
that have gotten so big
people are afraid to tell 'em
it looks weird.
"What do you think of that?"
"It's great.
It's perfectly normal."
"I'm not too muscular?"
"No, no. Do you want money?
Please don't kill me."
You ever see those bodybuilding
events on ESPN?
The guys are up there like,
"argghh."
And everyone in the audience
is like, "Yay! Yay!
Clap for the macho--
He'll tear off our arms."
What are those people doing
in the audience at those--
Why are they there?
"This is way better
than a movie, huh?
"I like the guy with the
big muscles who was flexing
"who looks exactly like
the ten other guys
"with the big muscles
who are flexing.
"I wonder what
this next guy's gonna do.
You think he's gonna flex?"
'Cause that's all they do.
They go up there and they flex.
You know,
there's no talent portion.
Never see a bodybuilder
playing the harp or anything.
'Cause those poor guys
can't bend their arms like that.
They're like...
[Grumbling]
"He's gonna get his ass kicked
for this joke."
I'm jealous, you know.
I am jealous of bodybuilders.
'Cause even
if I did work out a lot
I know I would never achieve
the title of Mr. Universe.
Which is the highest accolade
you can receive in bodybuilding.
Really.
Mr. Universe?
Shouldn't we have consulted
other planets about this?
We have the audacity to decide
who Mr. Universe is,
and we pick someone
who probably
can't name the planets
in our solar system.
Think about it this way.
The president
of the United States
is selected
by an electoral college
based on popular vote.
The secretary general
of the united nations
is chosen by a community
of countries.
Mr. Universe--five Italian guys
from long island...
That sell exercise equipment.
Mr. Universe.
Schwarzenegger, Arnold--
He was Mr. Universe
a couple times.
You think he ever viewed being
governor as kind of a step down?
[As Arnold]
"This is so easy.
"I used to rule the entire
solar-verse.
"One measly state.
"I can't believe he's doing
an impression
of Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Why is it everyone in the world
can do an impression of Arnold?
Yet he can't do
an impression of someone
that can pronounce
the world "California."
[As Arnold] "Cali-Cal--
This is so hard!
We need water!"
It would be weird to have that
on your resume, right?
"I see here in 2006
you were Mr. Universe.
"You know, here,
you're just gonna be a bouncer.
"If you want,
you can be Mr. Bouncer.
"Or Mr. Bouncer-verse.
Please don't kill me."
I admire people
that go to the gym.
I just can't get there,
you know.
People are always like,
"don't you feel good
when you go to the gym?"
"Not at all."
There's too many people
in shape.
I go to McDonald's,
I feel great.
In McDonald's,
I'm like Matthew McConaughey.
"All right, all right!
The skinny guy is here!
"That's right, folks.
"This is what a size 38 waist
looks like.
Read it and weep, y'all."
McConaughey's
in that type of shape
where he can touch his belly.
But if you're pudgy
and you touch your belly,
people are like,
"Ew."
'Cause it usually means
you're about to burp.
Good empanada.
There's some thin people
at my gym.
I saw this one woman.
She was so skinny
you could actually see her ribs.
And all I could think was, "I
haven't had a Mcrib in forever."
And those are delicioso.
I reference McDonald's a lot,
'cause I go to McDonald's.
I love the silence
that follows that statement.
Like I just admitted to support
dog fighting or something.
"How could you?
McDonald's!"
It's fun telling people
you go to McDonald's.
They always give you
that look like,
"oh, I didn't know
I was better than you."
No one admits to going
to McDonald's.
They sell six billion
hamburgers a day.
There's only 300 million people
in this country.
It's like, "hmm, I'm not
a calculus teacher, but...
I think everyone's lying."
You ever been to McDonald's
and you see a friend?
For a second, you're like,
"oh, crap!"
Eventually, you're like,
"hey! What's going on?"
They're just like, "I'm just
here for the 99-cent ATM.
What are you doing here,
Jim?"
"I'm just meeting a hooker.
"Certainly not eating here,
that's for sure.
Yeah.
He should be here by now."
'Cause we all know better,
right?
We've all read the articles,
seen those documentaries.
It's the same message.
"Look, McDonald's
is really bad for you.
"It's very high in fat
and calories,
and we don't even know
where the meat comes from."
And we're all like,
"that's disgusting!
"I'll have a big Mac,
a large fry,
and a two-gallon drum
of diet coke."
'Cause there's
a McDonald's denial.
And we all embrace it.
No one's going in there
innocent.
We're walking into
a red and yellow building
with a giant "M" over it.
"What's this?
A library?
Well, I'll get some fries
while I'm here."
'Cause those McDonald's fries
are truly amazing.
Has your mother
ever made anything
as good as a McDonald's fry?
Not even close.
We lie to ourselves
when we eat McDonald's fries.
We're like, "oh, they're so thin
they couldn't be fattening."
You ever eat too many
McDonald's fries?
Of course not!
There's never enough of 'em!
There's always that moment
when you're eating
McDonald's fries
where you're like,
"what happened?
Where'd they go?"
Then you start scrounging
for the fry crumbs.
You're like...
"Oh, that's just a piece of
paper from the straw.
But it was touching
the fries, so..."
Sometimes, there's a loose fry
in the bag.
You know, the bonus fry.
It's like Jesus
is up in heaven,
"give him an extra fry.
He'll pay it forward."
By the way,
that's how Jesus sounds.
Or at least I hope.
You wouldn't wanna meet Jesus
and he's like
[high-pitched Southern]
"Hey, y'all, how you doin'?
"You been turning
that other cheek?
I gave you that bonus fry
for a reason."
That bonus fry--
It's never a regular-size fry.
It's always extra long.
You're like, "how'd I miss you?"
Bonus fry, you get your own
ketchup packet."
You always savor the last fry.
You're like, "I'm gonna
turn this into ten bites.
I'll meet up with you later.
I got the bonus fry."
Those fries are amazing.
For what,
like seven minutes?
Then they turn into something
that's likely not biodegradable.
You ever make the mistake
of reheating McDonald's fries
in the microwave?
They become packing peanuts.
Doesn't stop you
from eating them.
You're like, "these
aren't even good anymore.
How are yours?
Yeah, yours aren't good either."
Fries can't get cold.
Shakes can't get warm.
You ever leave a McDonald's
shake out for an hour?
Reality sets in.
"Ah, this isn't even
made from milk.
It's just some kinda
chocolate mucus."
But we know all this.
We know those McDonald's
commercials aren't realistic.
I'd just like to see
one commercial
that show people five minutes
after they ate McDonald's.
"Ugh.
"Now I need a cigarette.
I deserve a cigarette break
today."
But they get us in there.
Some of those deals they offer
are just cruel.
Two big macs for two bucks?
I drive by, I'm like,
"well, I don't wanna
lose money on this.
I'll get 80 of 'em."
I know some of you are like,
"sorry, white trash guy.
I don't eat McDonald's."
I have friends that brag
about not going to McDonald's.
I would never go
to McDonald's.
Well, McDonald's wouldn't
want you, 'cause you're a dick.
[Cheers and applause]
I'm tired of people acting like
they're better than McDonald's.
It's like you may have never
set foot in McDonald's,
but you have your own
McDonald's.
You know, maybe instead
of buying a big Mac,
you read us weekly.
"Hey, that's still McDonald's.
It's just served up
a little different."
Maybe your McDonald's
is telling yourself
that Starbucks frappuccino
is not a milkshake.
Or maybe you watch glee.
It's all McDonald's.
McDonald's of the soul.
Momentary pleasure
followed by incredible guilt
eventually leading to cancer.
♪ I'm lovin' it ♪
[Cheers and applause]
We all have our own.
We all have our own McDonald's.
It may take me a while
to digest
my Quarter Pounder
with cheese.
But that tramp stamp
is forever.
♪ Do-do do do do do ♪
♪ Mistake ♪
Really, it's all McDonald's
out there.
Right?
How can we all name
three people
that have dated
Jennifer Aniston?
It's McDonald's!
And we gobble it up just
like those McDonald's fries.
It's like,
"who's she dating now? Num num.
"I know I shouldn't,
but it's so salty.
"Is she pregnant yet?
That's not even my business.
"Scarlett Johansson
got a haircut?
Why do I give a shit?"
'Cause it's McDonald's.
And it feels good going down.
By the way, if you care
who prince William married,
that's burger king.
That's not even our gossip.
I just love the societal
outrage of McDonald's.
"McDonald's!
There's no nutritional value.
There's no vitamins."
McDonald's is like, "excuse me,
we sell burgers and fries.
"We never said we were
a farmer's market.
"Heck, our spokesman is
a pedophile clown from the '70s.
[Cheers and applause]
What do you want from us,
America?"
We treat McDonald's horribly.
We behave like some
hormonal teenager
dealing with their parents.
"I hate you!
You're gross!
When's dinner?"
Really, going to McDonald's
is kind of like attending
a family reunion.
You're always excited to go.
You're like,
"this is gonna be awesome."
And then when you get there,
you're like,
"oh, I don't know
if I should be here."
Then when you leave
you're like...
"I think I'm gonna
kill myself."
But I was raised on McDonald's,
and I turned out--
Well, maybe that's not
the best reasoning.
McDonald's
has given us so much.
We wouldn't know
when breakfast ends
if there was no McDonald's.
I'd be eating eggs at 5:00 P.M.
Like a moron.
Thank you, McDonald's.
How are we supposed to know
St. Patrick's day is coming up
without the shamrock shake?
Thank you, McDonald's.
Without McDonald's, how would
I communicate to the world
that I give up?
'Cause if you're over
the age of ten
and you're eating McDonald's,
you've given up a little bit.
"Ah, it's all over for me.
These fries taste good
anyway."
I gotta lay off the McDonald's.
I do.
I've gotten so out of shape,
I don't even feel comfortable
buying work-out clothes.
I always feel like the sales
people look at me like,
"our restrooms
are for customers only."
I get intimidated by the wall
of athletic shoes.
You know, they have, like,
a shoe for every activity.
I always get caught up
in the styles.
I'm like,
"I like the blue ones."
"They're for pole vaulting."
"How about the Grey ones?"
"Cross trainers."
"Is there a slipper section?
I just need to get between
places where I'm sitting down."
Slippers are kind of my pace,
I guess.
Even the person
who named slippers was lazy.
"All right, what do you wanna
call these things we slip on?"
"Uh, sssslippers."
"Uh-huh."
I did see
the speed walking shoe.
I don't know if anyone's
a speed walker here,
but if you are,
you look ridiculous.
Ever see the speed walkers?
They're like, "eh, eh."
They always look like
a little kid
that's been told not to run
around the pool.
"No running!"
"I'm not running!"
Or someone in a desperate
yet polite hurry
to get to the bathroom.
"Just had Indian food.
Excuse me.
"A diarrhea joke?
Already?
Come on, fella."
Of course the weirdest shoes
are those baby versions
of the adult shoes.
My brother in law
bought our five-month-old
these tiny timberland
hiking boots.
And our baby can't walk...
Let alone hike.
My brother in law was like,
"they're cute."
They're only cute
'cause they're ironic.
It's like giving a blind person
a microscope.
"Look at him fumble
with that.
"Isn't that adorable?
I gotta get a picture.
He's holding it upside down."
"Shoe jokes? Really?
Is that what he's doing?
"For his special,
he's doing shoe jokes.
What's next, socks?"
You ever lose a sock?
How long are you supposed
to hold on to that other one?
'Cause I got like 80 of them.
But I know
once I get rid of it,
the other one's gonna show up,
"hey, where's my brother?"
"He's in a better place.
He's in sock heaven."
I think it's strange
when the elastic goes on socks.
It's like the sock saying,
"I retired, I'm done.
"No longer a sock.
Now I'm just kind of a sack.
You could store marbles in me,
but that sock business is over."
That happens to underwear too,
the elastic goes.
It's like the underwear saying,
"I quit!
"I'm tired of covering
your ass!
"This job stinks!
"Not gonna take your crap
anymore.
Other puns."
It's good to be here in D.C.
I love D.C.
I, uh--
[cheers and applause]
I'm staying
at a nice hotel here.
All hotels are nice
that first night, right?
You're like,
"this is pretty sweet."
Then the next day you're like,
"this place is a dump!"
'Cause we get spoiled
so quickly in hotels, you know?
They could have
the nicest amenities,
but after a couple days
you're like, "huh.
"Same chocolate
on the pillow.
You'd think by now they'd know
I like peanut butter."
I stayed at the animal kingdom
lodge in Disney.
There were giraffes
right outside my window.
But by the end of the week,
I was like,
"giraffe again.
"How about a lion?
"How about a lion
eating a giraffe?
That would be magical,
Disney."
'Cause we get spoiled.
In hotels, there's a sense
of entitlement.
You ever leave for the day
and you come back
and they haven't had a chance
to clean your room?
There's a certain amount
of outrage.
"[Exhales] Excuse me.
"There is a towel on the floor
of my bathroom.
"Can you send a maid
or a manservant to pick it up?
I demand we burn
the peasant village."
They spoil us.
I always feel guilty
when I get out of the cab,
the bellhop's like,
"can I help with your backpack?"
"Uh, no.
"But here's five bucks.
"Sorry you have to dress
like captain crunch.
I do enjoy
your crunch berries."
It's awkward.
I think it's awkward
when someone knocks
on your hotel door.
It's like...
"What-what--
Who even knows I'm in here?
Is that the FBI?"
Then you have to look through
that hotel door peephole.
Does anyone on the other side
of a peephole
not look like a serial killer?
"I ordered a cheeseburger,
but I think
it's the grim reaper."
I think it's great
some hotels provide stationery.
'Cause the first thing I like to
do when I get to my hotel room
is write a letter.
"My dearest Gwendolyn,
"I arrived by nightfall
at the embassy suites.
"It will be a fortnight,
after my return,
"that this letter
shall arrive."
"Allow to explain the curious
charge in the ledger.
"It is because I miss thee
so much darling
"that I accidentally
ordered sorority sisters 7."
Some hotels, they kinda push
that porn on you.
Some poor guy just turns
on the TV,
they're like,
"[female voice] After hours."
"It's 9:00 A.M.
I'm on my way
to a business meeting."
"[Female voice] After hours."
"I'm here for my grandma's
memorial."
"[Female voice] After hours."
"Well, maybe after the memorial.
I don't--"
I spend too much time
in hotels, I do, yeah.
Sometimes at night,
I find myself thinking
of the hundreds and hundreds
of interesting people
that have stayed in my room,
and then I'll just get up
and sleep in the tub.
[Laughter]
'Cause that's nasty.
You couldn't give away
a used mattress,
but we'll pay 100 bucks
to sleep on one for a night.
Thanks, Priceline!
Here, let me slip on
this robe
someone else wore
12 hours ago.
Ah, luxury.
The amount of denial we embrace
when we stay in a hotel
is staggering.
If you knew a stranger used
your bath towel at home once,
you'd be like, "burn it
and bury it in the backyard."
But we get in a hotel,
and we're like...
[Humming]
"I'm sure
the business guy before me
only dried his elbow
with this towel."
We change, entitlement.
We become lazy.
You see that around
the mini bar, right?
You're like,
"eight bucks for a coke?
"Well, it's either this,
"or walk down the hall
to the vending machine.
Who's got time for that?
I'm naked."
I'm always naked
in my hotel room.
Hey, it's not my couch.
[Humming]
There is always
that realization,
"maybe I'm not the first person
to do that!"
'Cause you're never
the first person
to do anything
in a hotel room.
The ten commandments were based
on what's already happened
in your hotel room.
That's why there's a Bible
in there--for references.
Like, "oh, that happened too?
"Oh, no.
I'm sleeping in
the tub for sure."
[Laughter]
We change in hotels.
We all kind of turn
into kleptos,
we're all like,
"ah, what can I take in here?
"Time to make
some money back.
"[Laughs] Looks like
I don't have to buy shampoo
"for, like, a day.
Ka-ching!"
The only toiletry
I don't take
is the shower cap,
you know?
'Cause I'm one of those
weird people
who likes clean hair.
I've never even met anyone
who's used a shower cap.
Probably 'cause they all died
80 years ago.
If you are the oddball
who's gonna use a shower cap,
you probably brought your own.
And a few extra for the rest
of the golden girls.
Some hotels treat you
like a klepto.
You go in the closet,
they have those hangers
with two parts
of the tiny baby head,
so you don't steal them.
"Oh, really, hotel?
"You don't trust me
with the real hangers?
"Well, just for that, I'm gonna
steal the whole damn closet.
Let's see how this room
works sans closet."
[Laughs] This is how
I would carry a closet.
"That's not how
you carry a closet.
That's the worst closet carrying
I've ever seen."
There's always that plastic bag
for the hotel laundry service.
I did that once.
It would have been cheaper
to have my credit card stolen.
$10 to wash a pair of underwear
that cost three bucks?
What, did you clean it
with champagne?
I do love
that wake-up call, right?
How'd that start?
Was somebody like,
"uh, yeah, my mommy's
not here.
"So I'm gonna need someone
to wake me up.
"By the way, no one
tucked me in yet.
"Let's go for a stroll.
"You got goodnight moon
down there?
How 'bout Harry the dirty dog?
That's a good one."
I seem to stay in a lot
of hotels
that have
the indoor swimming pool.
You can always tell a hotel
has an indoor pool,
'cause their lobby will smell
like a bucket of bleach.
"Uh, do you guys have
an indoor pool,
"or did someone just clean up
a murder scene?
'Cause my eyes are bleeding,
and..."
Occasionally I'll hit
the indoor pool.
That's always
relaxing, right?
Until anyone else shows up.
'Cause then you're just
in that gigantic tub,
essentially
in your underwear,
with some stranger
lurking there.
The polite thing to do
is ignore the other person.
'Cause there's nothing
you can say at that point
that doesn't sound creepy.
Can't be like,
"hey, hop in!
"What room are you
staying in?
"I didn't shower
before I got in here.
Kind of count this
as a bath."
Sometimes, they have
lounge chairs, you know.
Who's lounging around
an indoor pool?
"After this chemical bath,
what do you say
"we grab
some fluorescent light?
"Breathe in
some poisonous fumes.
"Towel off
with a dish rag?
"Think about it.
"Maybe I'll buy you a drink
from the vending machine.
You don't have eight bucks
in quarters on you, do you?"
Whatever a stranger's doing
in the hotel pool
is immediately annoying,
right?
Like that guy
that swims laps.
You know, it's like,
"settle down, spaz-o!
You're at the Ramada,
not the Olympics."
And if you're a guy over
the age of 30
by yourself
in the hotel pool,
you automatically
look like a murderer...
Who's just relaxing
after he strangled a family.
"Yeah, that dad was
a tough one to kill.
What room
are you stayin' in?"
You ever been
in the hotel pool,
and there's a couple in there
makin' out?
It's always charming
in romantic comedies
when a couple
kisses in public,
but when you're sharing
the same water, it's icky.
You're like,
"ah, don't mind me.
"This isn't awkward.
What room are you
stayin' in?"
Of course, no one loves
the hotel pool
more than kids, you know.
Whenever I see a little kid
in the hotel pool,
I just think,
"I am swimming in a toilet."
It's the first time
a kid can multitask.
"I can play and pee!
"This is amazing!
What room are you stayin' in?"
I just love the characters
you'll see in a hotel pool.
Occasionally, it'll be like
a sweet old lady.
Someone's great grandma,
90 years old, paddling around.
"I haven't been in a pool
since the '30s."
Why do old ladies
always swim like this?
"If I my hair gets wet,
I'll melt.
"Good thing I brought
my shower cap.
"I made this suit
out of curtains upstairs.
What room am I staying in?"
[Laughter and applause]
Speaking of swimming pools,
my brother has an above-ground
swimming pool,
as if you didn't think
I was white trash already.
You don't really swim
in an above-ground pool.
You just kind of wade around
with a beer.
"Ah, it's just like
a regular pool,
but not relaxing or fun."
I guess I'll head
to the deep end/middle.
Whoo!
There is no graceful way to get
in an above-ground pool.
You always look
like you're sneaking into
a giant cup of tea.
"I hope the mad hatter's
not in here."
But I love those
above-ground pools.
It always looks like the owner
couldn't make the commitment.
"You know, I like to swim,
"but I also want to destroy
the value of my house.
"I need something to go
in between the abandoned car
"and the refrigerator
without a door.
What to do?"
I've been trying to swim a lot,
you know.
You always hear swimming's
the best exercise,
but have you seen
how fat whales are?
Whales, they're, like,
swimming all the time.
"It's not working, whales.
Not working."
[Imitates whale call]
Whales always kind of
sound depressed, don't they?
[Imitates whale call]
"Rejected by eHarmony."
[Imitates whale call]
"My Facebook friends
forgot my birthday."
[Imitates whale call]
"Why am I so bad
at hide-and-seek?
The fish always find me."
Wouldn't it be great
if we found out
whales were
in complete denial
about how huge they are?
They're like,
[imitates whale call]
"It's mostly water weight.
Got a lot of water weight."
[Laughs]
Once, after a show, someone
came up to me,
they were like, "you know,
whales aren't fat.
They have a layer
of blubber."
And I thought calling myself
big-boned was a cop-out.
Blubber? That's like
the opposite of muscle.
It goes like, muscular,
toned, flabby,
and then like a mile away
is blubber.
If fat made a noise,
it'd be, "blub-ber."
[Imitates whale calling]
[Laughter and applause]
"Damn you, plankton.
You don't even taste good."
Plankton? That can't be
that high in calories.
That's gotta be frustrating
for some whales.
All they eat is plankton.
"I only eat plankton."
You know, the fish are like,
"and cupcakes."
"Just plankton."
"Sprinkled on pizza."
"It's mostly water weight."
[Imitates whale calling]
[Laughs]
I do love whales.
I don't want you to get
the wrong idea.
But it's not like
there are people
that are
anti-whale anyway.
You know, it's like,
"[gasps] Don't bring up whales
around my dad--
He'll go off."
"Ahem, damn whales
are all fat and lazy.
"Livin' off the government.
"Takin' our jobs.
Blah-blah-blah-blah.
Blah-blah-blah-blah--"
[laughs]
"Blah-blah-blah-
blah-blah-blah."
[Imitates whale call]
Whales must have
poor body image, you know.
Can you imagine having a part of
your body called a blow hole?
And it's on top
of your head?
You think when whales
get older,
they have less control
over their blow hole?
They're just in the middle
of a normal conversation.
"What do you say you and I
grab some plankton?"
[Imitates air gushing]
"Excuse me.
"This is so embarrassing.
"I was just
in the Indian ocean,
and my stomach really
can't handle that."
[Laughter and applause]
[Imitates whale call]
The old whale geography
diarrhea joke,
comin' in handy.
You always hear the number one
killer of whales--
Mankind, you know, as if
there's tons of competition.
"Let's take a look
at the leaderboard
of whale killers.
"Still number one: Mankind.
"Number two, the pelican
with the machine gun.
"And a distant third,
the lion on a jet ski.
Back to you, bill."
[Imitates whale call]
I do love whales.
Went whale watching.
I don't know if you've
ever done that.
We were sitting there
for a couple hours,
and then I saw a whale,
and I tell you, I realized
I had wasted half a day.
I had paid $100
to see something
I wouldn't watch
on television.
We were told
by the captain--
Or, more accurately,
slurred at...
By the way,
when are you a captain
and when are you just
a drunk guy with a boat?
'Cause based on our captain,
we should start
calling homeless people
boatless people.
'Cause if they had a boat,
they'd be a captain.
Our captain,
captain Morgan,
he, uh...
He told us the whale
we saw was a sperm whale.
You know, I don't know
who came up with that name.
Maybe like
an eight-year-old boy.
"I'll say it's sperm whale
or booger whale."
Sperm whale? Really?
There wasn't one scientist
back then to be like,
"well, obviously,
we're not really gonna
"call it the sperm whale.
This is gonna be in textbooks.
Come on, people!"
Sperm wha-- there was--
What kind of mindset
would you have to be in?
"Yeah, to me, it looks
like a giant sperm."
Yeah, to me it looks like
you shouldn't be
naming animals.
And please don't open
a hot dog stand.
Even if I thought something
looked like a sperm,
I wouldn't admit it.
"Jim, what do you think
that whale looks like?"
"Well, it certainly doesn't
look like a sperm.
Let's get that
out of the way."
Even if I was asked
to look through a microscope
and identify sperm,
I'd be like,
"huh, look at that.
Miniature whales."
[Imitates whale call]
I identify with whales.
You know, I struggle
with my weight.
I'm on this fancy diet.
That domino's
pasta bread bowl diet.
[High-pitched]
It's going all right.
It's all right.
[Normal voice] Have you seen
the domino's pasta bread bowl?
It's a bread bowl
filled with pasta,
covered in cheese.
The only ingredient missing:
A suicide note.
I mean...
I eat unhealthy.
I actually enjoy
eating unhealthy.
But a domino's
pasta bread bowl?
I mean... I got kids.
I don't want one of them
in a therapist's office.
"If my dad loved me,
why would he eat
a domino's
pasta bread bowl?"
Pasta in a bread bowl?
That's a sign of a serious
eating disorder, isn't it?
"I was out of control.
"I was puttin' pasta
in bread bowls.
"It's a matter of time
before I cover it with cheese.
"I needed help.
I went to a meeting.
It worked out."
[Laughs]
I love how domino's
presents it
as some traditional entree
from the old country.
[Italian accent]
"Ah, the pasta bread bowl.
"Eh, just like-a mama domino
used to make.
"Every Sunday,
'you get out of my kitchen
"'when I make-a
the pasta bread bowl!
"'What's-a-matter for you?
I break-a your face!
All the stereotypical
phrases.'"
I don't even know how you would
come up with that idea.
"All right, we need a healthy
alternative to the pizza.
Something like a salad."
"Uh, do you mean like a bread
bowl filled with pasta,
covered in cheese?"
"No, I was thinking
like a salad, with lettuce."
"Oh, we could do that.
Or...
"We could
fill pasta with bread
and inject it
in people's butts."
"Do you even work here?"
"No, not really."
I love the idea
that there's someone
at the domino's headquarters
taking credit for that,
you know?
"Johnson, you came up
with the pasta bread bowl."
"I sure did, sir."
"Yeah, we've been contacted
by the Hague.
You're being prosecuted
for crimes against humanity."
I have tried
the domino's pasta bread bowl.
I was at a party.
Someone brought it.
And then they died.
And I have to admit,
the entire time I was eating
the domino's pasta bread bowl,
I was thinking,
"this could use
a side of mashed potatoes."
It was carb-a-licious.
But Domino's is all carbs,
right?
They got the breadsticks
and the cinna sticks.
[Gasps]
"Why don't we get a pizza,
"and as an appetizer,
we can have bread.
"And for dessert,
how 'bout this: Bread.
"Maybe I'll open a nice
bottle of bread.
"We can rub bread
on each other.
Bread bread bread."
Blah!
I think domino's is trying
to kill us.
I can't figure out those
domino's deals.
You can get one large pizza
for $15.99,
or two large pizzas
for a nickel.
"If we get 'em so fat
they can't leave the house,
"then they have
to call us again.
"It's called
the domino's effect.
So simple."
[Cheers and applause]
Domino's.
Now offering sandwiches.
Finally.
Pasta sandwiches.
Whenever domino's introduces
a new product,
I always think,
"I don't know if you guys
"mastered the pizza yet.
"I don't think the crust
and the box
are supposed to be
the same material."
But, domino's, they're
doing the sandwiches
'cause of the success of those
subway restaurants, right?
Those subway restaurants
are everywhere.
I got one backstage
in my bathroom.
Subway, that was a bit of
a disappointment, subway, right?
You're like,
"hey, subway, eat fresh."
And then you bite in,
you're like, "not so fresh."
Not fresh at all.
Even if you haven't
been to subway,
you've probably walked by
and breathed in
that bread exhaust
they pump out, yeah.
"Ah, the smell of bread
that was just baked
in a dirty dishwasher."
I don't know
if it's making me hungry
or concerned
for the ozone."
But I go to subway.
You know, and not just 'cause
it's fun watching
a clinically depressed person
throw together your sandwich.
They make it
right in front of us.
You'd they'd do it
with a little bit of flair.
"You want mayonnaise?"
"Uh, sure."
[Imitates mayonnaise squirting]
"I feel like
I'm at Benihana.
Can I get my picture
with you?"
It's kind of awkward when
they make your sandwich.
You just stand there
wishing the sneeze guard
was facing the other way.
[Laughter]
As you watch them
do everything
in those plastic CSI gloves
before they
make your sandwich.
"Let me just tie up
this garbage bag.
"Scoop up
these heroin needles.
"Now, what kind
of triangle of cheese
would you like
on your sub?"
That cheese--
There are mice
that would turn down
that cheese.
Yet we silently
mind-will them
to try and give us
another piece.
[Grunting]
Have you tried one
of the subway melts,
where they heat up your sandwich
in that toaster oven
they stole from
someone's dorm room?
Is this even a restaurant?
Subway shows you how lazy
we've gotten, right?
You know, I can understand
the convenience
of a burger and fries.
You know, who's got time?
Who's got a deep fryer?
But we're too lazy
to make a sandwich?
"Well, I could make one at home
for 20 cents,
or I could watch the sociopath
make it."
Subway guys
are not sociopaths.
I mean, they do have kind of
that faraway look in their eyes,
"in my country,
I was Attorney General.
Would you like
Santa Fe sauce?"
[Imitates sauce squirting]
♪ Eat fresh ♪
I love all the steps
you have to follow at subway.
Before they slide your sandwich
in that plastic
air sickness bag.
The first step is you have
to pick out your bread,
and by that they mean pick out
the color of your bread.
'Cause it all
tastes the same.
"Do I want
the whole wheat-colored bread
or the Italian-colored bread?"
All the toppings are free
at subway.
"Free lettuce!
No way!
"How do you guys
pay the rent?
What's next, free napkins?"
I think the toppings
are free
to distract us
from the fact
we shouldn't be paying
for the meat.
They're so stingy with that
nasty-ass meat at subway.
They just peel it off
like it's from a wad of ones
or something.
They're like...
[New York accent]
"Here's three slices of ham.
"Get yourself somethin' nice,
all right?
"Don't say I didn't
do nothin' for you.
It's so simple."
Have you tried
the soup at subway?
And I'm not talking about
the tuna salad.
I always get the tuna,
where they ladle out
your tuna onto the bread.
There's always that white puddle
of tuna water.
It's like a tuna gazpacho.
Just wanna bring in
a really long straw,
and just go...
[Slurps]
Oh, that's where
I crossed the line?
[Laughter and applause]
[New York accent]
"This guy was funny
"till he did that
tuna water joke.
"My fiancee's allergic
to tuna water.
"I don't appreciate
the inconsideration.
"As if anyone in
the Washington D.C.
"Metropolitan area
would sound like
"this voice he's doing
right now.
"I think the accent
actually changed
in the middle of the joke."
[Laughs]
[Laughter and applause]
Someone told me they saw
a drive-through subway.
I don't even know
how that would work.
"All right, pick out your bread,
drive up six inches.
"Lettuce, tomatoes.
Oh, you want it toasted?
Honey, you gotta drive
all the way around again."
If you go to subway
as often as I do,
you'll notice there's
a front room
and then there's a back room.
Sometimes the subway guys
go in the back room.
Like, "ooh, what's going on
back there?"
I know the kitchen's
not back there,
'cause the kitchen
is the toaster oven.
You think Jared's back there?
"I'm the great and powerful
Jared.
Bring me the broomstick
of little Caesar."
Jared. I say Jared,
and we all know who
I'm talking about, right?
We all like Jared.
He seems like a good guy.
But deep down,
we all kind of want to see
that fat Jared again.
Come on, Jared,
we all struggle.
But Jared, can you imagine
how obsessed subway is
with keeping Jared thin?
"Jared, merry Christmas.
"We got another treadmill
and a bag of laxatives.
Dig in, buddy."
But Jared, he's hung in there,
you know?
He's kept the weight off.
He's been their spokesman
for so long,
there are kids that don't even
know about he fat Jared.
My ten-year-old nephew
thought Jared
was the owner of subway.
I was like,
"no, he was a big fat guy
who ate all these hoagies,
and now he's thin."
Even my nephew was like,
"well, that's bullshit."
[Laughter and applause]
'Cause, of course,
Jared didn't lose the weight
just eating
subway sandwiches.
He switched from eating
burgers and fries every day
to eating subway sandwiches
every day,
so as a result,
we view going to subway
as a healthy activity.
It's like,
"well, I can go jogging,
or I can go to subway
and have a meatball sub."
What level of delusion
are we in
where we view a meatball sub
as a healthy alternative
to a hamburger.
It's like how do you
make a meatball sub?
You roll five hamburgers
into balls...
Cover them in cheese,
and put them on a bun
that holds five hamburgers.
♪ Eat fresh ♪
Probably the healthiest thing
I do is I take vitamins...
And I put 'em in a drawer.
Eventually, I do take them
and throw them out.
Ah, when I was a kid,
I took Flintstones vitamins
'cause I watched the TV show
the Flintstones.
I'd probably take vitamins now
if they had, I don't know,
law & order vitamins.
"Hi, I got one of those hot
Assistant DAs.
"Here's a Sam Waterston.
"It's always bitter, but filled
with righteous indignation.
[Imitates Law & Order
sound effect]
[Laughter and applause]
I think it's strange
that there are stores
that just sell vitamins.
You know, like GNC
and vitamin shoppe.
You know what I mean?
What is with
the old English spelling?
[British accent]
"Is this where Robin hood
gotteth his ginkgo?"
Worst British accent ever.
Vitamins, you know,
they may be expensive,
but at least there's no proof
they work.
There's vitamins and then
there's herbal supplements,
which are not FDA approved.
And to put that in perspective,
the Twinkie is.
I don't even know who
herbal supplements are for.
You know, it's like,
"hey, if you're not wasting
"enough money on vitamins
that don't work,
"you should check out
this stuff
that's kind of the horoscope
of vitamins."
My favorite herbal supplement
I've seen
has to be Extenze.
If you're unfamiliar
with Extenze,
that means you're lying.
'Cause, of course, Extenze
is an herbal supplement
that's supposed to make
your manhood larger,
but one of the side effects is
that it doesn't work at all.
And we know it doesn't work,
'cause they have the best crappy
late-night commercials ever.
In their commercial now,
they have NFL coaching legend
Jimmy Johnson
as their spokesman.
I would think, if your name was,
I don't know,
Jimmy Johnson...
You would know better.
They probably
weren't even serious
when they offered him
the spokesman thing.
They're like, [laughing]
"You know, hey...
"Here's an hysterical idea.
"What if we asked to be our
spokesman...
[Laughing]
"Jimmy Johnson.
"Him or Dick Butkus.
One of those guys.
It would be..."
[Laughter and applause]
It's amazing,
the evolution of my view
towards
the Extenze commercial.
'Cause when I first saw it,
I was like,
"oh, my god,
this is unbelievable.
You gotta see this."
Then, after a couple months,
I was like,
"wait a minute, people are
actually buying this crap?"
And then, after a year,
I was like,
"well, maybe
I should try it."
But I would never try it,
you know.
For innumerable reasons,
one of which
is I wouldn't want that
on my credit card bill.
That'd be kind of a hard charge
to challenge, right?
"Yeah, American express,
I'd like to challenge
"a purchase I made.
"Uh, the name of the product
is Extenze.
"Yeah, it's supposed to make
your penis larger,
"but my penis is still
really small.
"Hello?
"Ma'am? Hello?
"Redial.
"Yeah, I got disconnected.
"I'm the guy
with the tiny penis.
"Yeah, I was cut off.
"Well, it only looks like
I was cut off, really.
"Well, what do you mean
you're dropping me as a member?
"Hey, speaking of members,
I have a tiny one.
Have I brought that up yet?"
Okay, so the joke's over?
All right, well,
you hang up first.
No, you, heh.
Look, I should go.
I'm in the middle
of taping a special.
Comedy special.
In D.C.
Of course, Washington D.C.
No, Calgary, D.C.
All right.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, they're
getting annoyed.
Okay. I can hold.
[Whispers]
Sorry about that.
I'm here, I'm here.
Look, you should let me go.
Well, first of all, I'm not even
holding a real phone.
All right.
Well, I love you too.
Of course I miss you.
All right.
Okay, fine. Okay.
Well, what room
are you staying in?
All right, thank you
so much, you guys.
[Cheers and applause]
- ♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong
going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby, I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong
going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ No-no-no-no-noth ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ No-no-no-nothing ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ No-no-no-nothing ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ Nothing nothing ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ Nothing is so hard ♪
♪ As the moment, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Nothing is so hard
as the moment ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Nothing is so hard ♪
♪ As the moment ♪
♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ There's something wrong ♪
♪ Going upstairs ♪
♪ If you wanna know it,
baby ♪
♪ I think ♪